I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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