she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
