Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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