Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
