Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
