dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
