woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
