I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
