When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
