You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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