i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
