then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Randomize
