Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
