If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
