Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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