Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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