Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
