well I can't set my house on fire every night
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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