I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
