Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
