My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
