Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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