oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Someone shit on the floor
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
