I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
