He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
