i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
