My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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