i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
