Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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