i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize