This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
