Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
