when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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