So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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