It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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