Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
