Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
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