Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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