i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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