you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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