You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
