First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
