Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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