I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm too high and old for this...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize