I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
