haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
