I wish I could teleport
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
