she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
