Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
