We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
