My Higher Power is John Stamos
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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