low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
