When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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