When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
