Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You made out with two different species that night
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
