so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
