your parents love me but you hate me
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
