What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
it was like eating out sand paper
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
