why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
