You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I didn't notice because vodka
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
