Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize