Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The best revenge is premature balding
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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