I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Randomize
