maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
