Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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