just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize