how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
