I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
