I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So much rum. So many feels.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
