And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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