sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
