WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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