my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
