ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
